Bad Toilet Humour
by Sailor Gemini
Summary: What happens when you mix one bad potions essay, plus a magic yelling toilet, plus a very happy Moaning Myrtle, and a shirtless Ron? Hey, at least there aren’t any singing lawn-gnomes - this time.


"Bad Toilet Humour" By: Alexandria Authors note: One shot ficlet. Dedicated to Katina Wellson who gave me the idea to write this. God knows if she'll read it, but she told me to. So its all her fault if it sucks ^^;;; lol. I know I promised an update on my other story first, but I had an inspiration re-reading reviews. Oh well. I hope you like it ^_^ please review! This is a holiday gift out to everyone. Happy Thanksgiving :) Summary: What happens when you mix one bad potions essay, plus a magic yelling toilet, plus a very happy Moaning Myrtle, and a shirtless Ron? Hey, at least there aren't any singing lawn-gnomes - this time. ~*~ The gasp was audible. The gurgling noise was audible. Hell, even the sound of blinking eyelashes was audible. The last one scared Ginny the most. It was almost as scary as the situation she was in. She stepped quickly away from the mess she had created. Oh god. What a mess. What was it about magic toilets? Why is it when they got plugged up they started spraying water in ever direction. She would kill for one of those muggle toilets Harry had told her about. The nice ones that flushed when you pushed down on the lever and that was the end of it. Oh no. Hogwarts wasn't that nice. They had the toilets that flushed when you said the secret password (which sometimes changed quite frequently, depending on the sense of humour the toilet had). Ginny stood, a blank look on her face, and a draft of cold air quickly entered the room. A high pitched giggle could be heard, and Ginny found herself to be no longer alone in this nighttime bathroom. "Beat it, Myrtle," Ginny said in a rushed voice, looking at the toilet, which had started shaking violently, spluttering out pink sparks. "Oh! This is so lovely! Much more amusing than the usual U-bend activities you know!" Myrtle giggled again. "What'd you do? Try to flush a dung bomb? Oh," Myrtle sighed and a dreamy look crossed her features. "Your older twin brothers did that quite often. They would make bets with everyone in the men's toilet on what color spark it would shoot off next. Quite the handsome lot, those males." Ginny looked at her aghast, "You hang out in the male's toilet?" she hissed, her eyebrows raised. "Of course, silly," Myrtle giggled again. "I don't really like the slytherin room, although there is one adorable sixth year," she trailed off as the toilet's seat flew up, and a paper shot out of it. It continued flying, straight through Myrtle's chest and smacking Ginny in the face. It slid off, leaving a nice trail of pink goop. "I - hate - magic - toilets," Ginny sputtered, glaring at the white porcelain that seemed calm for the moment. "I rather like them," Myrtle commented, looking down at the paper on the ground. "They automatically clean themselves, you know. A much appreciated advancement over silly muggle toilets. Oh Merlin!" She gasped, spying the score in red ink, which flashed angrily in the dim light of the bathroom. "How'd you get a thirty?" she asked, furrowing her ghostly brow. Then she giggled. "Snape must really hate you," she laughed. "Only Longbottom gets score's that low." Than a flash of happiness flashed over her face.  
  
Ginny looking down at the paper, and wiped the pink goo off her face. So this plan wasn't the best one. She could still always burn the essay before Hermione found it.  
  
"You know what happened last time someone tried to flush an assignment down the toilet?" Myrtle started. She couldn't continue as the toilet let out an ominous grumble. The grumble caught both their attention, and their heads turned toward it, hosting two very different expressions. One full of sheer delight, and the other one full of pure undiluted fear.  
  
Instead of another rocket of water shooting out the top, a loud shrill voice filled the air. Myrtle giggled and flew in the air above the toilet, and Ginny winced. Than many other toilets joined in, like a choir but loud and off key.  
  
The first toilet took off with the solo as the other six toilets "ooh-ed" and "aah-ed" in the background.  
  
The tone started low, and then skyrocketed to many different notes, doing a very lousy impression of Mariah Carrey.  
  
"Oh prefects, oh my dear," - insert 7 16th notes, all an octave between each other - "gryffindor prefects. Look what some one," - this was a very high note that made even Myrtle cringe - "Has done!"  
  
Hermione rushed into the bathroom, wrapping a black robe tighter around herself. She blinked through the dim light, and raised her eyebrows. "Neville," she started, looking around for the culprit, completely missing Ginny, who slid along the ground until her back reached the back wall behind her. "What are you doing in the girl's toilet trying to flush another assignment? I thought we already went over this," she said, walking to the magic toilet. "Shut up!" she commanded to the toilet. It didn't listen to her.  
  
Myrtle's giggle caught Hermione's attention. "It wasn't Neville!"  
  
Hermione stopped trying to prod the toilet with her wand for a moment and looked up at the gleeful teen ghost. "Look at the paper!"  
  
Ginny dived for it at the same time Hermione did. "Ginny?" Hermione asked, somewhat shocked as she grabbed the paper. Ginny grasped it at the same time, and tried to hold onto it through the pink goo as the toilet continued to sing loud and offkey.  
  
Ginny grunted and tried to pull the paper from Hermione's grasp. That didn't work, and the two played tug of war for a minute over it, while the toilet's voice seemed only to get louder and louder.  
  
"So why isn't my brother in here dealing with this?" Ginny asked, taking her turn pulling on the paper. "The toilet yelled for both prefects, you know."  
  
"Oh you know Ron," Hermione stated simple, pulling on the paper as well. "That boy could sleep through a tornado pretending to be a hurricane."  
  
Ginny giggled and forgot about the situation they were in. She continued tugging on the paper until the door slammed open again. Both girls jumped, their hands gripped tightly on the paper and a rich ripping sound filled the room.  
  
Ron stood in the doorway; one hand wiping sleep out of his eye, while his other was latched onto the side of his pajama pants. Ginny rolled her eyes, and Hermione's seemed to be latched on Ron's naked chest.  
  
He walked past the two girls on the ground, carefully sidestepping the blue spinning sparks on the ground. "Silencio!" he yelled at the toilet, raising his wand arm. He dropped it quickly to grab his slipping pajama pants.  
  
"Jesus Hermione. Who the hell tried to flush another assignment?" he asked, slipping his wand back into his pocket.  
  
Hermione was still sitting in awe, looking up at him. Ginny rolled her eyes again. "Merlin. Would you please stop drooling Hermione?" she asked, standing up. She looked down at her pants, and saw all the pink goo. She grimaced and looked at her half of the assignment.  
  
Ginny's voice must have brought Hermione out of her daze. "Huh? What? Oh yeah." She chose this moment to look down and saw the red flash of ink. "Oh my god. Ginny!!"  
  
Ginny turned her face away grimacing.  
  
"What? It was Ginny's assignment?" Ron asked, grabbing Hermione's arm, and helping her stand up.  
  
"Yeah. Look at her score!"  
  
"Ouch," Ron stated. Ginny new that meant something. Nothing was too low for Ron's tastes. Well, almost nothing.  
  
"Would you two please just go find a closet and snog already?" Ginny interrupted, reaching forward and snagging the assignment out of Hermione's hands. Hermione had the nerve to blush, while Ron looked confused.  
  
"Huh?" he asked, running a hand through his disheveled hair. Ginny saw Hermione's eyes start staring at his chest again, and she sighed. "Look. I promise I'll study next time."  
  
One of the backup toilets started to croon. "She promises, oh, oh yeah, she promised to stuuuuuuuuudy!!!!!!!!" With one glare from Ron it closed both lids and all the toilets stayed silent.  
  
Myrtle, who had stayed silent for most of the scene took that moment to giggle. She flew down to Ginny and stage whispered into her ear. "You know, I think I like Ron's body much more than the twins."  
  
Ron started blushing and ran a hand through his hair again. "Thanks, Myrtle," he said, slightly embarrassed.  
  
Jealousy shook Hermione, and she lifted her chin. "And what exactly were you doing in the male's bathroom, Myrtle? What do you have to say for yourself."  
  
"Not much. Me and Lady Gray love it in there. So many delectable young males, you know. Such fine young men." She giggled again and Hermione looked horrified.  
  
Ginny dropped her face into her hands. Why couldn't her plans ever work out like they were supposed to?  
  
~*~  
  
Authors note; And its done. Yay. Took me a few hours and it is quite the short little thing, I know. But its just meant to amuse. There will be no other chapter, no matter how many people want me to continue (yeah right, lol). Oh well. If you'd like to see what happens next at all, do take a read at my other story titled "Can't Get Enough of You". Its mainly D/G but there is some wonderful Herm/Ron-ness in it. Love you all. I hope you enjoyed this, and I hope your thanksgiving was wonderful ^_^ 


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